Urgh!!

I'm pissed, its easy to see and its true
I'm highly frustrated with your fucking attitude
Don't know what to tell you, but I'm about to make myself perfectly clear
And if you don't straighten up quickly our final chapter will be approaching near

Now I'm feeling you which is why I've tolerated this shit thus far
But you are not my boyfriend, you are not the love of my life, nor my shining star
But you are the only dude I chill with and the one I kick it to day to day
Which is why even though we not together I want everything to be okay

So you see its my fault because I cut everyone off without your say so
As an effort to show myself that with you things would grow
But just when I think things are getting better I realize I have no clue
Things are not getting better because if they were I wouldn't be going through this shit with you

So here I am again hot, pissed and confused
I'm the one writing this poem with my negative attitude
I know I like you because if I didn't I wouldn't be wasting my time
So lets make shit better, work this shit out, so this shit will be just fine

Abused

I sit up sometimes remembering how shit used to be
We used to chill, stay up late, playing Playstation 3
Sometimes to be honest I'm still dreaming about you
And thinking about all the little shit we used to do

Wondering why such good things have to be all over
And why I didn't kill you when you made my eye swollen
And how I had to hide so that no one would ever know
Plaster a smile on my face praying that it wouldn't show

I'm so tired of working and you made stuff so easy for me
Which is why I tolerated it for so long, but now it seems
That your love wasn't worth it, my insides are bruised
These bruises hurt more than all of your physical abuse

I'm glad I'm strong and I learned so much
I've escaped your crazy ass and your painful touch
It's weird though, and its scary too
How a gentleman turned out to be a monster like you

FANTASY

So today is the day that I say I do
Have decided to make the commitment that I want to be with you
Forever is a long word so for now is fine
And if overtime things are good and I see that you try

I will choose to be the girl of your dreams
Have you wake up to a woman already on her knees
There to please you in any way you like
All smiles at all times with you no fights

No nagging no bitching you can always have your way
Dinner always cooked don't have to repeat what you say
Kids all clean and already in the bed
Your bath is waiting, I'm ready to massage your head

Just let me know when you are ready, right there I will be
To show you 19 ways why you should keep me
Submissive to my man in every way
As long as you take care of home and I wake up to you every day

Times

My son wants to talk to his daddy and its pretty sad
I can't wait till he gets older, I'm going to be glad
When he can better understand exactly what's been done
And how his mother loves him the most, I might be the only one

Because in time, even not on time, several have turned their backs
My own sister told me I will be alone when good shit cracks
Because when shit is good and everything is okay
There are always those around that have so much to say

So much encouragement, the reminder of being on my side
But when the darkness comes and all good things aside
Times on my knees and times I cried
Times of loneliness, unwatchful eyes

The doubt of ever feeling good again fades away fast
All hopes of anything except encouragement hits with a crash
The lovingness of my heart and the fight to stay strong
Lives deep inside, even during times of both right and wrong

SHIT

I don't mean to be a bitch but I'm pretty pissed
Got mad shit going on, and I'm feeling dissed
Men aint shit and girls are dirt
It's more to it than my feelings being hurt

It's hard to understand, because I hardly do myself
But something has to happen before this starts to affect my health
I try hard to promote a mean grit, truly not giving a fuck
But in reality when shit gets tough and I'd truly had enough

I sit back and my mind is blown
Shit gets worst upon declaration of being grown
Is it right for shit to never become okay?
To dwell on the fact that shit is different today

Is shit going to get better, I sit back and pray?
My grandmother always said God will take my troubles away
Well whose fault is it that I'm going through this shit?
It doesn't make since, but I need God to give me strength

NANA

My pride my joy the love of my life
A loving mother, sister, grandmother and wife
The matriarch of our family she’s always there
To show us her love and how much she cares

There to talk to when things get tough
A listening ear when things are rough
Grateful to God each night I pray
That my grandmother is here to see me day to day

I give her her first great grandson, and now I’m happy
Because she gets to see him grow up smiling and laughing
Infact she is the reason that I am blessed with my bundle and joy
I’m so thankful for this and so much more

You are my hero and I love you a lot
I know you love me too and will be there no matter what
So this Christmas I just wanted you to know
That I’m blessed just to have you, and I wanted to tell you so

RIP Aunt Edith

The last memory I have of you is you sitting in your chair
Flipping the remote of your tv, my mother cornrowing your hair
Often times you used to baby-sit me and at the time I never knew
What a wonderful person you were and how there’s so much of me in you

You were always a strong woman and I’m happy I’ve had the time to enjoy
I want you to come back so I could have the opportunity to tell you so much more
So determined and your integrity, I could go on and on
And I still couldn’t describe all the qualities that you had in stored

Stubborn at times but most of the time you were right
You like things the way you liked them, and if they weren’t like that you’d fight
Funny how as I get older I’ve thought of you even though you passed away
Often wondering how things would be if you were still here today

Everything happens for a reason
Who knows if we will be here next season?
Live each day to the fullest, and don’t forget
To do what you feel is right, hopefully later you won’t regret

BRANDAN

You’ve always been my baby and you know you will always be
It doesn’t matter how tall you get, you’ll always be a little cousin to me
At eight years old still I held you on my lap
Taught you how to play Vegas Dreams at 9 and Monopoly too as a matter of fact

But now look at you handsome, and talented in everything you do
Hard to believe that you are almost grown, you even have a mustache now too
One day you told me by the time you make it big I was going to be old and all
What I do know is no matter how old you get I hope you stay in touch and call

Though a large age gap does separate five years between you and me
Soon you’ll agree I’m not too much older, you may not know now, you’ll see
When that time comes do know that I’m hoping we’ll become more acquainted
As time goes by I know I might have outgrown you, but I am glad we are related

You will always be my favorite because we’ve still held a bond real close
There’s no one other than you I like beating in Monopoly the most
I love you Bran with all my heart
And that’s when we are together and even when we are apart

*TRAE*

Never experienced true love till I had my son
I’m currently running a race but I know I’ve already won
This little thing keeps me on my toes
He’s the apple of my eye and I think he already knows

When I get sad I look at my baby and I smile
He knows when mommy’s sad but he tells me I’m fine
And I know with a hug from him eventually I’ll be okay
According to my son I can kiss all his pain away

And when he’s sleep I think God for my gift
My son is my everything and to me he’s heavenly sent
This pure love I have will never go away
I only begin to love harder each and every day

When I ask my baby who is his best friend
He says my mommy and I know it’ll be to the end
As he grows before my eyes
I love my son more I know it and I can explain why

BRI BRI

Hey little sister, that’s what you are to me
I love you so much little mama I see so much of you in me
When things get hard, what did I tell you to do
Pick up the phone and call me, I’m always there for you

Now look lately I’ve been busy getting myself straight and all
But I’m never too busy for you, so if you need me go ahead and call
When I say for any reason please listen to what I have to say
I’ve tried to be a good role model, and I’m going to make sure that you are okay

Now look I know you don’t always like all that I have to say
I’m only trying to lead you in the right direction, I wouldn’t have it any other way
As for these boys out here don’t let them run you, I’ve taught you better than that
Do what I told you to do, and you’ll get what you want as a matter of fact

Now in your future I know that you going to have to aim high
Continue to do good in school, don’t cheat and please baby don’t ever lie
What goes around, comes around, that’s the best advice I have for you
Karma is something else so be careful in anything you do

DYNASTY

My family stays together through thick and thin
We comfort when we loose, and fight when we win
We care about each other in a special way
And pray for each other every day

Through the years there have been times good and mad
Times when we are happy and times we are sad
Times we have been disappointed when things didn’t go our way
Times that we were embarrassed, and didn’t know what to say

Times when we were encouraged to make a better choice
And times we didn’t listen, but regretted to hear that voice
We look to the future, and wonder what it will bring
Will things stay consistent or will something else change

We aren’t very close, in fact some of us are far way
But in some shape and form we are there each and every day
I know I will always have someone if something was to happen to me
Because fortunately in my life I was blessed with a great family

Through sickness and health we will never part
The love that we share is something never torn apart
At times when we are angry and don’t know what to do
Just think about your family, there’s someone there for you

AMIRA

Babygirl, my mini me
Remind me so much of how I used to be
I’m so glad over time we’ve gotten so close
In many ways a little sister that I love the most

I know you get mad when you don’t see me a lot
I do be trying boo whether you believe me or not
But look you know how this goes
I’m always here to tell your secrets to even those that no one else knows

And when you have that feeling that no one ever understands
I’m here for you through that too if it’s dealing with family or even a man
And if you are ever in doubt and confused between right and wrong
Realize that I’m here to give you advice and encourage you to be strong

Amira, I love you and it scares me to see you grow
I realize that a lot of things that I’ve gone through, you will go through too I know
Even the tears that I’ve shed at that time I thought they were necessary
I want to hold those from you, and all your troubles I wish I could carry

KNOCK

I'm feeling like I'm stuck in a corner
Never thought shit would be like this just being older
I feel as if this pain just won't go away
I'm just hoping that it's gone after today
And when its over I won't look back no more
Because a new peace will eventually knock on my door

DOPE BOY

Okay so you be that thug dude…on your grind
Care most about that quap, that’s what stays on your mind
I grab for attention, you tell me I’m crazy
And that the whole reason I don’t see you is cuz you know I’m busy with my baby
Excuses—for me, you tell me I’m wil’en, I’m wil’n I’m frustrated, I’m through
You I don’t stress over no dude, I mean you cool and all but the same shit still applies to you

m.i.a

You said you was going to figure me out
Still waiting it’s like you not gone ever be able to tell what I’m really about
Cuz I sware when it seems like you finally get a clue
You be on some completely other shit, and than again I’m just that much confused when it comes to you

It’s like we be talking everything be all good cuz we getting closer as time goes by
But than the attention just stops—and you go on doing you, and than I think why even try
Believe it or not a lot of shit has changed since we first started talking foreal
I mean I was in my little situation and you was doing you still

But overtime finally its over and I sometimes imagine being with you soon
I know you not ready, but I’m also not stupid, I know foreal I’m already your boo
Know how I know cuz of that look in your face when I talk about anotha dude
I know you don’t be trying to hear it, I just like to see that look haha see I’m not trying to be rude

I don’t know what it is that entices me about you, why I grasp the time that we share
I’m feeling you and that’s on some real serious shit, but I know you don’t care
It’s only right cuz like everything that’s gone down I can’t blame you
I mean come on foreal now the nigga was really bangin on my door while you was laying on my bed in my room

But newayz lets talk about how you be carrying shit
Cuz you say what thing but your actions don’t always show it
You told me early on that the whole feelings shit is something you don’t do
But eventually without even telling me verbally I knew what the deal was with you

Come on think about it, do you really think the sex was better cuz I was high
I mean the pussy stay wet, its great not cuz of that but because of our vibe
Yo you feeling me more as time goes by, foreal that’s whats true
But its cool because as time goes by boo I be feeling you more too

Shits not serious and I feel comfortable in your arms Security Intelligence Sense of Humor, I’m taking notes
You remember everything I tell you, You be catching on and at the same time…still be having me on my toes
Now don’t let what I tell you go to your head, but its whats real
And because we cool I want to let you know how much I enjoy your company when we chill

But let me warn you if I get in kinda deep, it might become too late for you to change your mind
Cuz when I grasp that hold on you its no letting go not that you would want to, you not blind
Calling me shorty, I love to hear those words pour from your lips
But I like even more so being touched by your finger tips

And when I tell you that I want to be your Bonnie I’m not on no b-s
I think about being ride or die, but I’m glad you tell me I don’ t need to do that
Stuck in a fantasy, but willing to share many with you
Damn damn damn you know what you aint eva gonna be ready for me to be with you

Cuz being with Princess is like a illness without a cure
But you only will be able to handle it if you have strength and if you are mature
So boo when you get to that point you just gotta let me know for now I’m gonna just have to smile, but I still have hope but for now I gotta let you go

DYCE

I’m not hurt… okay; maybe a little bit, but I gotta maintain my swagger
A bit confused but to be for real it’s only because I don’t know what happened
I thought we was really feeling each other I mean ish was great
I really liked this dude, shit, felt right-- like it was fate

But than again you know how it be when anything is good it comes to end
This time though it was too fucking fast I mean this shit ain't even for real yet begin
And yo I was really calling this dude like more than once, yes several times
And then when he finally picks up the phone he says hi and than shortly there he go with his goodbyes

Convos that lasted forever now after like 2 to 3 minutes tops he’ll call me right back
Come on yo, you told me enough times Ma I’ma Call you right back
I believed you, Why? I don’t know but I know I’m not going to let you play me
So you know what I do I right you this message thinking does he care? Lets see…

So I go on bp and say what I need to say
Bullshit I know, but I’m thinking he gonna respond to dis ish today.
But he don’t, that little envelope marked read, but I don’t have no reply
Is you for real this dude read what I said, ain't say shit look at this guy

So I call him on some serious like yo we need to talk this shit out
He keeps it short but tells me he gotta fall back starting now
I’m buck but I’m calm and I say well its gravy you do you
Knowing damn well I was enjoying this nicca yo he gone be my boo

But than again was he ever, cuz now he stutten for real
I mean we talk as if we homies thinking this niggas trill
Why the sudden separation, sudden need to take shit slow
Maybe its that chick he was fucking wit maybe he ain't gonna really let her go

Okay shit I knew u was wit her once we started talking
But I thought we had an understanding that after Christmas that bird had to start walking
But its cool if you want her and you want it to work I wish u the best
I mean its on you its your choice if you willing to settle for less

But than again maybe he think we was just moving fast and stuff
I seen him only twice but it was like we couldn’t get enough
I mean we used to be on the phone till like 4 in the morning, without a cell but still hitting me up through out the day
But than all of a sudden it all stopped when you went out wit ya nigga dat day

Dat---nigga damn did you talk to him is that why shit changed
Probaly told you that you shouldn't’t call me from his phone…that’s why for real I don’t have time for playing games
I’m not going even try to figure out exactly why shit ended up how it is
But know that I was actually picturing us in the future in a couple of years.

I mean I know you gotta do you for now, I mean you trying to get big doing your thing
I understand that baby…so if that’s whats stopping you, than shit ain't had to change
But for real the point is I was feeling you and again I’m confused
Cuz foreal foreal on some foreal foreal I was really feeling you

STEP IN MY SHOES

While you out parlaying, chilling just doing you
I’m here holding’ our child and yea the niCCa looks just like you
Do you really think I’m going to make him suffer because you not around
Yea I know what I said, I would never have another nicca around yo child

Well since you not being a man and not taking care of your own
I got to get another dude to do so since you’re a** still ain't grown
Those days when I used to cry myself to sleep
Be stressed out, be cooped in the crib, just cuz you were mad at me

I loved u, I needed you, yet I got played like a fool
And now I’m the one embarrassed, ashamed, to have a babydaddy like you
Rumors going around, I can’t believe you really claiming another chicks seed
But have the audacity, to do your own son dirty, u neva really gave a fuck about me

Respect, R E S P E CT, we was supposed to have that at all times
But instead I’m called every bitch in the book, and you continue to lie lie lie
I'm sick of dealing with your shit and have refused to tolerate it any more
But I don’t understand why I still be stressing, what do I even care for?

Is it cuz you are his father and it would be nice if you were in his life
Even though I know that you think I just want to be your wife
I’m ova the fact that we not a family and it will never be
Cuz I be damned if I’ll ever give you again the opportunity to be with me

WHO KNOWS

A male reflection of myself
Laid back, Nonchalant, Could care less
Quiet, Disguised, blend in with the crowd
Unless I speak to him from his lips there is no sound
A little confusing and hard to read
Traveling solo most times without his team
Sometimes i think that he's attracted to me
But its hard to tell what it is that he sees
I can tell that we can chill and parlay all day
But eventually there's so much I want him to say
A brick wall is up and with help I might be able to knock it down
But in the past, it hasn't been worth it, especially if he doesn't stick around
I've been kind of distant trying not to fall in and start feeling this dude
Instead I communicate from afar, and this is what I choose
I want him to know that I want to get to know him in more ways than I can say
And maybe eventually I will verbalize it, if he hasn't figured it out today
He's mad chill, and I love his swagger
Dress is tight, never sagging
We haven't really chilled or really been one on one
He hasn't been to the crib or even met my son
There are reasons for everything we do
But maybe eventually, things will change, after I get to know you

10 Minutes

Overtime I've come to realize
that things are different even for the same crime
depending on the shade of your skin and whether you have brown or blue eyes
the milky-ness of your skin qualifies the punishment that will apply
while a black man serves 5 years in jail a white man gets probation for his crime
whatever happened to providing evidence as proof
and having eyewitnesses that actually tell the truth
with crime stoppers offering rewards and crooked cops offering deals
it's impossible to distinguish a snitch with someone that is real
and than why the sudden rush to close an open case
why is it so bad for a trial to move at a manageable pace
when a murder case arrives
and a woman dies
its a day in a half to give a black man life
but than it takes 2 years to give three years to a white man that killed his kids and wife

DIFFERENT- 9/13/2007

It's kinda strange, how shit is, who would have thought we could be so open with each other
The day has come that I'm actually telling you about my nigga, and you telling me about your baby mother
I neva thought it would come to this point, because I've always wanted you to belong to me
But the separation has created a friendship that i appreciate and know that'll always be
I would be lying if I didn't admit that I think often of what we had in the past
Deep down I know you love me that'll never change and I know that it'll forever last.
But be fair to me and don't forget that I'll always have that piece of your heart.
You promised me that it would always be mine while we're together and when apart
As time goes by and I've experimented with all these stupid ass dudes
I always think back about how u schooled me in the ignorance of getting used
It's hard for me to accept the fact that there will be other women in your life
But for real I don't take none of these broads serious, and won't eva till they ya wife
Your wife. Do you think that'll happen? I can't honestly say I do
The day you come at me telling me that shit I will be very surprised of you.
It's like there are so many females and there is no one individual that will truly make you happy forever
To the point where you care enough to share your life and hold bountiful love that you can't even measure.
But know that you will always have my love but more importantly you are my friend
I know I once told you that'll never happen I couldn't be your friend in the end
But what I didn't realize is that this is not the end and for real who knows what the future holds.
There might one day be an us again but it all depends on the choices we chose.
God puts it out there and its up to us to make it happen if we really want to
But I know the timing has got to be right, and we got to decide if this is what we want to do
These men I mess with though hasn't had an impact that can compare to the one from you
Eventually you will see that no chick will eva come close
The satisfaction I would have provided you will never get from most.

ALL ABOUT YOU- 9/20/2007

So I prayed to God- Lord, I'm getting kinda lonely please let someone enter my heart?
I need a nigga thats real, that can handle me, a nicca I'll love from the start.
The lord always answers your prayers, but I guess the timing just wasn't right
Because I fell in love with this nicca I found, but damn we always fuss and fight.
I prayed to the Lord again- Lord we stay fighten and arguing and its seems as if he's ready to give up?
The Lord responded by telling me you wanted love baby girl, some time sh-ts going to get rough
But give me a sign that I'm supposed to be here, how do I know that he's meant for me.
Soon you will see my child, I won't disappoint you please be patient just wait and see...
So I've waited and he answered my question that maybe you are not my soul mate, maybe there's someone else that you need in your life
But know that these last 2 months I only imagined and lived the dream of possibly one day becoming your wife.
But God made things clearer to me when you never wanted me around your mom, or your children, that little thing was the clue
The most important people in your life you would only want to introduce to those that are very close to you.
But still I loved you and still I wanted to hold on to what may never be.
And you proved that I was wasting my time when over-- a text message you broke up with me.
Why do you say that I complete you? I know you love me but tell me what that means
The woman who can answer that, is the one I will marry, for she is from my dreams....
That question you asked me that day I've been pondering on for a few
But now its of no importance, since I'm no longer officially with you
But do know that I did have an answer, and I'm going to tell you now in these words from my heart
Do know that what I'm saying is true, but I'll let you think about it now that we're apart
You say that its not really over and we will be back when the time is right, It's still all about tee
I might be young but I do know either we are together or we're not and b/c I'm of the past it's no way its truly bout me...
You were the ying to my yang, though not a perfect person I was learning to see
All your imperfections perfectly.
I couldn't fall asleep b/c reality was better than my dream
Knowing you were laying beside me safely is all I ever need
I pay my own bills and take care of my household with out the help of any man
As you schooled me to think to the future, I knew you were going to teach me to stand
You were my man sensitive to understand want I was going through as a woman but strong enough to keep me grounded when I needed to be
At that time you were my rock, you were forever going to stick beside me
The man I wanted to respect and knew was going to respect me in return
I felt that it was okay to be submissive to my fan, for which my body yearned
And even when you were taking care of your business and even when you were messy in your personal affairs
I felt you were worthy of my patience, even though you misunderstood it as nagging in your ears

THROUGH- 10/31/2007

I come seventh to your mother, your kids, your brothers, your sister, your 4 bm's and your shop
Now you expect me to come 8th, to your hustle, your struggle, your get-money grind gig with your pops
I can express how I feel repeatedly truth is that what I'm saying is not embedded in your head
But than again the issue might be that you are aware of what I'm saying truly not carrying about what I just said
I'm told I'm not doing what I'm supposed to do to keep my man around, and what I won't do another woman would
But I feel I'm holding my own, doing it solo and if he want it that bad maybe she should
So what is it I can do to keep my man happy to keep that smile plastered across his face
Is it to be submissive, I should pretend to be happy, and hold him down at least till his case
And than its the fact that he lied to me, yea I might of did the same once or twice
But we both agreed that we will work through our problems believing that its some stupid ass reason that I aint figured out yet, but its a reason you came in my life
So I've tolerated all this crap, and for real to be honest I'm embarrassed to verbalize all the bs you put me through
But I'm even more embarrassed to stand up here and say loud and clear BX yea ahh I still love you
Not that it matters, anymore..and after fucking with you I've come to the conclusion Love is for the birds.
And because its this intsy wintsy part of me that still got love for you I hope you hear these words.
It's over. Finally over. U happy mofo we done
I'm not picking up my phone, I'm not trying to see u, u got it mofo you've won
I'm tired of the fighting, I'm tired of your attitude and I've had enough of your accusations and shit
I got all of your voicemails and all of your text messages, I especially loved the one from that bitch
It's after the club it's 4am at an after party you know the one on Ironbridge the reggae jump-off that don't close till 6
flipping through my phone trying hard not to call, sipping on my corona not believing me and my nigga going through this
Yo this chick actually had the audacity to pick up my nigga phone and text me some off the wall crap
Going to tell me that he's hers now that she's going to please him for the night, I took a swig off my corona and laughed
Yo u petty little girl do what u do cuz for real I know he's mine, but if you a strong enough woman to handle my man u deserve his selfish trifling cheating ass
It takes a strong woman to put up with the crap that his ass has put me through
Nigga be parked outside my crib, come to my job, just cuz he guilty for fucking you
But this time is different I'm standing my ground I deserve better than you.
Pacman good ridens, kick rocks my nigga, no love lost and of course God bless.
Don't try to get at me later, not when you're horny and not when you realize what's gone you miss.

DISTANCE- 10/31/2007

You're four states away but I wish you were living right here
I feel this unexplainable vibe even though you're no where near
Looking forward to a visit to have a visual to what I hear almost every day
Can't wait to know who I'm talking to in a physical way

FOREVER- 5/30/2007

I know how it feels to be in love
but how do I know that this is the person that God sent for me from above
I mean how do I know with he
is whom I'm supposed to be with for all eternity
I always wonder when I will be in love again
I'm getting pretty comfortable living life with out a man
And than I think about how grateful that every guy I've been with really did treat me good
But still I always found something wrong, and in the end I always knew I would
If I could go back in time, are there some things I would change
Yes there are but I always speak the truth even if it is with rage
But I've learned that a lot of the time it's better to keep a lot of things inside
Because the truth can really hurt sometimes
Have you ever really liked someone, but u weren't in love as he
damn that was a bad feeling, yet no one else can see
Often I'm asked why i'm so stupid to get rid of the dudes that I have
but only I could understand that it just wasn't meant to be with the men in my past
Love i think is a wonderful feeling, but they say its not supposed to hurt my heart
I've never experienced unpainful love, b/c my heart always hurt when we part
but than again i wasn't satisfied when I had an easy life
He gave me what ever I wanted but the feelings were just not right
Don't get me wrong I appreciated everything that he did for me
But I need to be with someone on the same wavelength as me
I'm no longer looking for a man to feel a void for the season
I need someone that will last a lifetime and I can explain the reason
I'm grown now and yet I'm just tired of playing games
I have all this shit going for me and still can't find a man
I'm no longer in a search in hopes that one will just fall into my arms and eventually in my heart
One that I can be with forever in love, and love forever, because we will never part

SATISFACTION- 5/30/2007

I wish I were you.
You are pretty and smart, plus I look up to everything you do.
Are you serious? You can't imagine everything I've been through.
Exactly, but you are smart, and caring and on top of that a good mother just to name a few.
I hear you, but wouldn't you prefer a life that had more to offer.
There's no money in the world, that'll convince to be anything other than wanting to be your child's father.
I admire you in numerous ways, but again I don't expect you to understand.
All I can do is tell you what my heart has to offer in hopes that you'll want me as your man.
I realize you are a good woman, and you should be treated that way
But I realize that God wouldn't give me anything I can't handle today
But why did he choose you rather than someone else
In many ways God just shows us that we're blessed
I know sometimes I wonder Damn God can you throw anything else in my pathway
And he does it proving to me that who am I to question him as if I decide my fate day to day
But you should never dream of withholding the life of some else
There is plenty of things that are hidden that you wouldn't be able to dream about
I myself concentrate on being me
And eventually you will be satisfied with yours believe me

DOUBT- 6/1/2007

I know you love your son but damn can we somehow agree
Its really about Trae, I have to remind myself its not about you and me
On some real I'm not trying to say anything to you out of spite
I'm just so tired of arguing and fussing, plus I just don't want to fight
I care about him and I know that you do too
But in the long run with all that's going we can't let him get hurt by either me or you
I'm not saying that you are supposed to move so we can live happily ever after in VA
To be honest I just don't want things remaining the same and us doing the same stuff that we do today
That's not what I want and I can dig that you feel the same way
But somehow we got to do something, if you really do love Trae
I made a lot of mistakes and you right I have said a lot of stuff that hurt your feelings in the past
I can only apologize, but I can't erase anything that I've already done, I can't even honestly say that that was the last
It's not fair, I've said that over and over, yet stuff still don't change
But than again you the person that I used to talk to about everything, all I hear now is rage
And than my son is expected to have 2 lives, all I want him to do is feel normal like us
I don't want him to emotionally be hurt, or think all his parents do is fuss
I can't say that I'm going to give give give and expect you to just take
But now that everything has changed I'm honest when I say to you that I feel that everything you say is fake
I'm not trying to point fingers but you really should compare our roles as his parents in his life
Conrad look at his situation, stuck in the middle all because his parents were never husband and wife
In the long run if I could go back in time if you only knew
It's so much that I would change just so that I wouldn't have to go through all of this with you
I need you in his life, but I have to beg for you to make sure things they are supposed to be
Or at least as good as its going to get, because it reality you were supposed to be with me
We were supposed to raise our child together as one
but instead we fight and whomever has possession feels as if they won
Its possible to teach him and groom him from 2 separate places
But its important for us to be able to work things out through all these bumpy phases
Than I also think about how our families have reacted to everything that has gone on between us
They even have mixed feelings towards the other party, how do you think I feel only being able to call your mother this year once
You right that's the decision I made, because you did try to get me back
But at the time I was hurt and confused and if you're honest with yourself you already knew that
And now we not together so Trae is placed in the middle and one day will probably feel like he has to choose
Why should a two year old have a choice to be with me or you
He needs to be in an environment that he can learn to cope with the way his life is going to be
Since evidently all ties have been burnt between you and me
This in itself is about Trae and how we can make things the best for him even separately we are his parents, we are his love
So before you make any decision about him, please pray to God from the heavenly above
Make sure before you make a decision that you put your son first.
If he doesn't have his daddy at all I realize it'll make his life even worst.
And I do know these thoughts and feelings that I have shared with you you will quickly run to show others
But know that I mean what I say and I say what I feel but so would any mother
Sometimes its hard to explain how you feel but sometimes its only pride
But its impossible for things to change to this extreme I mean would you even cared if I died
I know that you have moved on and probably feeling that you finally have things moving in your favor
But know that within these 18 years I know the truth, to me you are no stranger
That's why I keep telling you to really REALLY think about everything you say
I can tell when it's bullshit and you just want to piss me off that day
I'm just hoping eventually you will dig deep and eventually think about everything and make the choice that should have been made a long time ago
I wish it was possible for everyday for you to see your son grow
and Again I know that someone is going to say this is her little ploy to get you remember its about Trae, you see
and they are right but focusing only on Trae is like out of sight out of mind, that way you won't focus on me
Life I know for you is a lot easier, but sometimes that struggle makes it worth it, but I've also learned that to wait can be good to
I won't forever but I am determined to at least get a long with you
You again were at one point my man and at that time you were my friend
After having our son things changed of course for the worse and things did come to the end
We were young and still are but due to different circumstances changed a lot
We should have grew and matured together rather than only fuss and fight
But again back to the most important dude in my life, my son, your son, our son
We got to figure something out, I will pray and pray and continue to pray that eventually this will be done.
Every thing I say its strictly verbalized to you from my heart
and even if you don't say it, I know you agree with out a doubt