March 04, 2008

DOUBT- 6/1/2007

I know you love your son but damn can we somehow agree
Its really about Trae, I have to remind myself its not about you and me
On some real I'm not trying to say anything to you out of spite
I'm just so tired of arguing and fussing, plus I just don't want to fight
I care about him and I know that you do too
But in the long run with all that's going we can't let him get hurt by either me or you
I'm not saying that you are supposed to move so we can live happily ever after in VA
To be honest I just don't want things remaining the same and us doing the same stuff that we do today
That's not what I want and I can dig that you feel the same way
But somehow we got to do something, if you really do love Trae
I made a lot of mistakes and you right I have said a lot of stuff that hurt your feelings in the past
I can only apologize, but I can't erase anything that I've already done, I can't even honestly say that that was the last
It's not fair, I've said that over and over, yet stuff still don't change
But than again you the person that I used to talk to about everything, all I hear now is rage
And than my son is expected to have 2 lives, all I want him to do is feel normal like us
I don't want him to emotionally be hurt, or think all his parents do is fuss
I can't say that I'm going to give give give and expect you to just take
But now that everything has changed I'm honest when I say to you that I feel that everything you say is fake
I'm not trying to point fingers but you really should compare our roles as his parents in his life
Conrad look at his situation, stuck in the middle all because his parents were never husband and wife
In the long run if I could go back in time if you only knew
It's so much that I would change just so that I wouldn't have to go through all of this with you
I need you in his life, but I have to beg for you to make sure things they are supposed to be
Or at least as good as its going to get, because it reality you were supposed to be with me
We were supposed to raise our child together as one
but instead we fight and whomever has possession feels as if they won
Its possible to teach him and groom him from 2 separate places
But its important for us to be able to work things out through all these bumpy phases
Than I also think about how our families have reacted to everything that has gone on between us
They even have mixed feelings towards the other party, how do you think I feel only being able to call your mother this year once
You right that's the decision I made, because you did try to get me back
But at the time I was hurt and confused and if you're honest with yourself you already knew that
And now we not together so Trae is placed in the middle and one day will probably feel like he has to choose
Why should a two year old have a choice to be with me or you
He needs to be in an environment that he can learn to cope with the way his life is going to be
Since evidently all ties have been burnt between you and me
This in itself is about Trae and how we can make things the best for him even separately we are his parents, we are his love
So before you make any decision about him, please pray to God from the heavenly above
Make sure before you make a decision that you put your son first.
If he doesn't have his daddy at all I realize it'll make his life even worst.
And I do know these thoughts and feelings that I have shared with you you will quickly run to show others
But know that I mean what I say and I say what I feel but so would any mother
Sometimes its hard to explain how you feel but sometimes its only pride
But its impossible for things to change to this extreme I mean would you even cared if I died
I know that you have moved on and probably feeling that you finally have things moving in your favor
But know that within these 18 years I know the truth, to me you are no stranger
That's why I keep telling you to really REALLY think about everything you say
I can tell when it's bullshit and you just want to piss me off that day
I'm just hoping eventually you will dig deep and eventually think about everything and make the choice that should have been made a long time ago
I wish it was possible for everyday for you to see your son grow
and Again I know that someone is going to say this is her little ploy to get you remember its about Trae, you see
and they are right but focusing only on Trae is like out of sight out of mind, that way you won't focus on me
Life I know for you is a lot easier, but sometimes that struggle makes it worth it, but I've also learned that to wait can be good to
I won't forever but I am determined to at least get a long with you
You again were at one point my man and at that time you were my friend
After having our son things changed of course for the worse and things did come to the end
We were young and still are but due to different circumstances changed a lot
We should have grew and matured together rather than only fuss and fight
But again back to the most important dude in my life, my son, your son, our son
We got to figure something out, I will pray and pray and continue to pray that eventually this will be done.
Every thing I say its strictly verbalized to you from my heart
and even if you don't say it, I know you agree with out a doubt

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